I thought this was gong to be a short page, I was wrong.
“I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren’t trying to teach us. We are formed by little scraps of wisdom,” wrote Umberto Eco.
What Are You Teaching Your Children When You Aren’t Trying To Teach Them A Thing?
Going beyond
Five common phrases and why we should all stop saying them immediately:
Why?
Because;
1) Walk your talk.
2) Start treat others how you would have wanted to be treated not how you were treated.
1. “You’re Driving Me Nuts!"
a) No, no one can make you feel any way you already don't want to feel. Children certainly are not responsible for how you choose to feel.
b) Children by nature are curious about the world. They are capable of an astounding amount of early learning when given the freedom to explore to their heart’s desires.
A child’s early years represent an irreplaceable period in his life—a period that biologically serves the purpose of helping him become familiar with the world around him, and capable of purposeful action in pursuit of the things that matter to them. In this time period, certain skills are learned effortlessly that, if delayed to “the elementary years”, it become more of struggle; such as building a long attention span, developing refined fine motor control, acquiring neat handwriting, learning to read, and mastering foundational arithmetic skills. The learning of these life skills is not an imposition on the child—to the contrary, his whole being is oriented towards acquiring precisely such skills. As Maria Montessori put it, “play is the child’s work.”
Thus the child’s first and most important teacher is the parent. Be response-able for what you chose to create in this world. Be there for them, be there with them, better yet take them with you, show them, teach them. Be amazed at how much and how fast a child can learn by watching even if their motor skills are not up to the task of doing or their size is not up the task.
My own children were perfectly capable of making home made biscuits from scratch by the time they were 4 years old all by themselves. However due to their size, the rules were, no pre-heating the oven, and an adult must take them out of the oven for you. Why? Because you can get very badly burnt.
What this meant is they children could both read and not only do math but comprehend factions. No that didn’t make them “smarter than average”.
And I didn’t protect them from their mistakes, I let them learn the hard way. One teaspoon and ¼ teaspoon was not the same thing. When you are speaking about baking soda … you get it in a real hurry when “waste not want not” is applied. You created this you must now eat it. They got it, never ever made that mistake again.
One of the arguments against home schooling is “lack of socialization”, but what could be more social than many generations working together?
Society teaches people to have this nasty (and it is) habit of “making a mess” (in this case creating a child) then expecting someone else to “clean up after them” (shove the children off in to some day care / school some where), where we don’t ever have to look at them again. Then wonder why they don’t turn out right.
Parents
Public "socialization" =
a) Do you really want to stop bullying? Then what do you think "Because I said so" is if it is not bullying? If you think for one second that "do as I say not as do" will work, I have news for you!
Is it that you want to stop bullying selectively? Because it was done to you but you feel it okay to do it to others, especially over those whom you have perceived power over, such as your own children?
Do you really think double standards are a good thing? I have news for you! The Law of Attraction will bring it back to you in a hurry. If you want to live in a world where no one is bullied, then teach by example, don’t bully others.
b) This demands blind obedience when it comes from an authority
c) "Because I said so" is not a reason to do anything, it is just a lazy excuse for really bad behavior on the "authority's" part. Then you wonder why children do it, or are cruel to animals? Just what do you teach by example?
2. “Because I Said So!”
If "you" want something done or not done, then have a very good reason for it;
a) "The timing is poor, try again later." I know I said we would go to the park, but it's raining, so we can't go now. We will go later. (Mean it!)
b) It’s too dangerous as in “big bad bang”. "We do not touch an oven that is on because we will get burnt, and being brunt hurts."
Teach someone how and get out of the way and let them learn! Then I allowed them to touch a hot oven door so they would know what the word "burnt" & "hurt" meant. After that all I ever had to say was "Hot" and they knew better.
You do not have to teach a child to question, because they do it naturally. What we need to do is learn to honestly answer their questions, then they have something to think about rather than repeat the question till their "lie detector" stops going off.
Comment; a) Have the authors of this ridiculous article ever MET any children??! Let alone spent a few hours looking after them? Trust me, on the 100th time of asking 'why can't I have (insert whatever unsuitable or inappropriate request is currently being demanded whilst mum is trying to drive/shop/shower) in the space of 20 minutes, having already had it explained patiently 50 bloody times, it's 'because I bloody said so, okay???!!!!!'
Response; The reason a child does this is because you are wishy washy - inconsistent with your responses. He / she knows if they ask more than once you are likely to change your answer. Thus you are dishonest with them and the children know this. So in response to this they have learned how to manipulate you, they push till they get what they want from you.
With mine I was so consistence from one moment to the next, and never played favorites, such that when the first child asked and got a "No" or a "Yes" the second child never had to ask a first time much less the first child asking a second time.
If that question be "I want..." (not need, want) my responce was always, "When in life we want something, we earn it." When they earn it, allow them to have it.
To which someone said, "That's what I did with my kids 😂, to this day (one is a CRNA and the other is a trauma nurse in San Francisco) they still remember. Over summers they would clean stalls for 3 small horse barns, at the end of the summer the each had about $1300. They were about 12 when they started, it was their money and they were very frugal with it."
That was parenting done right!
I also taught mine to "invest" their money. At the silver was $5 a coin. Later in life after they had grown up & married, one of my children decided to cash that silver in. It was at the time going for $50 a coin.
Think about that ..., all the " I want" money that is sent on "trash", stuff that usually gets tossed in the garbage. ...
Comment; b) I find myself saying this, after numerous times of explaining......it then turns into "Because I said so. I tried telling you, you're not listening, now it's because I told you to". So, it is a very shut off response.
Response; Listen to what you have just said. In such a situation you need to explain once, then ask, "What did I just say? Please repeat back to me what I just said." Because maybe it isn't that they are not listening but that they can't hear.
And because "I told you to" has a certain tone, they get, "Mama is mad at me, I need to shut up."
When my oldest became a young adults, one day she came to me and said, "So-n-so's child drives me crazy! He always says 'No!' It doesn't matter what you say to him. or if he has just asked for it, his responce is always "no" in a very angry tone of voice."
I asked her, "Why do you think that is?"
"Because he is undisciplined?" She said.
I replied, "Likely as not he is "over diciplined". Try again. Why do you think that the only word the child says is "no" like it is the only word he knows?"
"I don't know." She said, "We never acted like that."
That is because it is the only word the child knows. He is always met with "no" to every request he makes. There is never a reason for it, likely as not "no" is followed by , "Because I said so."
And you never acted like that because I never treated you like that. I almost never told you no to any request. When I did there was always a good reason for it.
He acts the same way he is treated because that is all he knows.
When ever you wanted something I said, "Okay let's find out".
Even if I knew the answer to the question, I said, "Lets look it up!" And I took you to the place where you could find the answer and we looked it up.
To which she said, "Ya I remember that, and I hated it, I just wanted a simple answer. So after a while we stopped coming to you with questions and started looking things up for ourselves.
* Big grin * That is because I learned early on that when I gave you a simple answer, you always asked again later, you didn't bother to remember the answer. When I put it in your hands, you had it! And then if you didn't remember the answers you knew where to find them. That is why so many folks think you all are highly educated they believe you have a degree in something, even if they are not sure what, when you have never put a foot in a class room door.
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