How to Love
The question was asked, “How do I love without an attachment?”
I first said, “I don’t know.”
How silly of me to not recognize that was the answer. Because Love with an attachment is not love at all, it is fear and control. The fear is “I will be alone" or "I am not loveable enough”. Love flows freely and doesn’t care what happens. Love gives without expecting a return. What you send out always comes back. When you have an attachment and when a need is not met you get hurt. Love never hurts! If it were a need, you would / should speak it. If you feel you can’t speak what you need to say, there is no love there.
It is “seeing” the other person. It is the attitude of unconditional positive regard, acceptance, it is gratitude for that person’s presence in your life, it is grace that values one flaws and all, genuine empathy given in the present moment.
How does one love another without attachments or judgments? The starting point for any such venture is by bringing acknowledgement and acceptance to the table. One does this by admitting that you have judgments for everyone, including yourself. Accept that you have these labels even if you are not aware of them, and these judgments includes things like “twin flame” or “soul mate”, “should”, “because”, “sinner” etc ... and then change your relationship to these labels. Judgments & labels are only ideas, usually “satanic thoughts” many of which are graven images.
That is done by asking yourself the following questions;
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Can I be sure what I think about this person is true?
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Do I see the whole picture or just a part of it?
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How do I know?
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What if this judgment is in fact a projection or reflection of myself?
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Am I reading something into this relationship?
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Who can give me a second opinion?
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What would I see if I let go of this judgment?
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How would I be if I didn’t judge this person?
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What would I experience if I released the judgment?
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If I released the judgment, what would I do differently?
Grievance; is a feeling of resentment over something real or imagined, a complaint about something believed to be wrong, unfair or other cause for complaint or protest, especially "unfair treatment".
Then ask yourself, what would it be like to have no judgments? Of course fear would say, “You will become a naive victim." But that is not true, you will gain more clarity. When you judge a person or a situation what you see is your judgment, not the person or the situation.
When you bring love, you see something more, something greater and you learn to trust that love as it has its own intelligence.
So ask love “help me see what is real, what is true, what is kind, what is helpful.”
At first you may think “I am giving this person a gift”. But what you give you also receive. Judge less, become more present, more open, more honest, more receptive and the space to be themselves without the fear of judgment and the more you can do this, the more folks will share with you and the more connected you will feel with others. The sense of affinity & acceptance will take the place of judgments & labels and you can discover a happy intimacy where you can see “The One” connection, (the seeing yourself in others and others in you). Start with one person close to you, and pay attention to what this feels like.
How do you do this? Think of 10 ways in which “I love you (---) because...”. Then Affirm “I love you anyway” without a “because” attached and feel how much more expansive this feels. It is more expansive because love has no limits, and there are no lists of reasons why, it is real and everlasting. Love doesn’t need a reason to exist,
it is what we are, there are no conditions in true love.
How can we do this? First we must remove the mask then we can love far more than we imagined ever possible. Love is present all the time, our task is to communicate it so that others also feel it, see it, hear it, know it. We all have different ways of perceiving and expressing our love.
“So not seek the “because” in love, for in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions.” – Anais Znin.
How can you tell someone how much you love them and what they mean to you? With two words, “Thank you.” “Thank you for being you.” “Thank you for accepting and being with me.” “Thank you for seeing that I exist.” “Thank you for your acceptance.” “I feel lucky to have you in my life.” “Thank you for existing.” “I feel better about the world with you in it.” Love expresses itself in the form of gratitude. When you express your gratitude Love expands. “I am grateful for you.” “I am grateful to you.” Gratitude is recognition for all this person gives to you by their very presence in your life. “Thank you for loving me.” “Thank you for your time and energy.” “Thank you for letting me be myself.” Gratitude recognizes that none of u can discover who we really are by ourselves.
If someone is in your life it is because they have a gift for you and you have a gift for them. Your presence is your gift. “Thank you for loving me, for helping me heal and grow. For without you in my life I could not do any of that.” “Thank you for being the life support on this journey we call life.”
Never underestimate your brother’s, sister’s or your own value, in fact is not possible to overestimate it.
“Only appreciation is an appropriate response to your bother. Gratitude is due him for his appeals for help, for both are capable of bringing love into your awareness if you perceive them truly.” – A Course in Miracles
Gratitude that is expressed by true love is always deeply affirming of another person. It says, “You are loved for who you are.” “You are deeply lovable as you are.” There are no “if”, “shadows” or “becauses” to true love as there are no conditions, no one has to change or be different than who they really are. True love does not ask someone to “become” someone that they are not in order to “earn” love or gratitude.
To love is to be present, in the now with someone, to give them you full undivided face to face attention, to be there for them when they want or need you. If you can’t be in the now with them you can’t be there for them, then how can you love them? You can’t love someone is you are not physically (the best time & space, not “leftovers”), mentally (setting aside thoughts of “I” to become “us”, to be willing to listen, communicate and to speak with love), emotionally (Not being “too busy”, or carrying around wounds of the past thus being emotionally unavailable to be there), or spiritually (giving your whole hearted support to learning, growing and healing. Show them their lovability by your attention and enjoy their joy) with them.
Love is a commitment to another, and two the “us” as a whole. It is not waiting for some sparkle to get better before a commitment is made, and it is not “playing it safe”. There are no masks to get something, for you are really there in the present with them, open and honest.
“I love you” is a statement of intent, to commitment to being present, to loving, and being loved. “I love you” is a spoken blessing letting the other person know that love goes with them, to care for and protect them, it is our best wishes. While life can be difficult and we can suffer it is a statement that I will be here for each other to offer support and help, strength and guidance when it is needed the most.
When you feel moved to say “I love you” it is because you recognize that love is there, acknowledging that we are always held in love even when we can’t see it.
Understand that in every relationship there will be challenges, conflicts and occasions when we can’t feel love, it is in these moments when one heartfelt “I love you” can restore us to loves awareness that sees that “If I am present and you are present, love is also present too.”
